Toddlers and Tantrums

Why do toddlers have so many tantrums?

When toddlers tantrum, people often advise, “Oh, that’s typical toddler behavior, just ignore it.” But is it typical and is ignoring really the best response? Or do we need to dig deeper to bring peace to our days?

Tantrums are like fires. It’s easy to focus on stomping out the flames, but to prevent those “fires,” we need to identify the fuel source, the feelings and needs that are overwhelming the toddler, pushing them beyond their ability to cope. Feelings and needs such as:

FRUSTRATION when trying to communicate with a limited vocabulary. To prevent the meltdowns, say to your toddler, “Take my hand and show me.” Allow them to lead you to what they are trying to tell you. Give them words to use such as, “Up,” when they want to be held, rather than clinging to your leg and whining. “Me do,” instead of batting you away. Add in hungry, tired, outside, more and mine, (ownership is the first stage of learning to share) and they can tell you what they are feeling and needing instead of screaming. 

CONFUSION when rules are unclear. Toddlers are in a stage of development in which their brain is shouting, “Do it! Try it! Find out what happens!” That is why when you tell them, “No,” they will look right at you, say, ‘no, no, no’ and then do what you just told them not to do. Words alone will never stop a toddler.  If you need to stop them, go to them and help them stop – every time.  Do not try to direct them from across the room. And because they are learning what they CAN do, whenever possible help them find a “yes.” We do not climb on the table, but we can climb the jungle gym. Let’s go try it!” Or “We do not throw food, but we do throw balls, let’s go get one!”

FATIGUE: Toddlers need more sleep than many adults realize. Typically, they require 13-14 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period. That includes naps and nighttime sleep. Often their morning nap is dropped too early. Many spirited toddlers continue to require a morning nap up to 18 or 19 months of age.  When they are ready to drop to one nap it’s important to recognize that if they wake at 6:00 AM, and nap for two hours, they still need lights to be out by 6:00 PM for them to get the sleep they require. If you are waking your toddler, they are not getting enough sleep. 

A SLOWDOWN IN GROWTH AND APPETITE. During the first year of life, babies triple their weight. In the next 18 months growth slows significantly. If you don’t understand this natural dip in growth, you may worry that your child is not eating enough, and the food wars begin.  But when you recognize what’s happening, you will feel comfortable doing your job – serving six nutritious snacks and meals spaced every 2.5-3 hours throughout the day and trusting your toddler do theirs – deciding if to eat, what to eat of the food you served and how much. There is no fighting over food. 

SURPRISE when there isn’t a predictable routine in place.  Consistency calms toddlers. If some days you dress your toddler when they first awaken, but other days you don’t dress them until noon you innocently set yourself up for meltdowns. Your toddler never knows what to expect. A request to dress is always a surprise – surprises trigger tantrums.  If instead, every day when they awaken, you have a cuddle, change their diaper/toilet, dress, brush hair and teeth before leaving the sleeping area, they know exactly what to expect.  The rule is clear – this is what we do EVERY morning.

Toddlers and tantrums do not need to be synonymous. Identifying and addressing the REAL fuel source – the underlying feelings and needs allows you to prevent the tantrums before they begin.

For additional information see my book "Raising Your Spirited Child" available on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Spirited-Child-Third-Edition/dp/0062403060/ref=as_sl_pc_tf_til?tag=kurcinkaparen-20&linkCode=w00&linkId=RUI6HMFSJ3PLRAK5&creativeASIN=0062403060

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