Greetings!

You promised me she would be an awesome adult, and she is!
—Lydia, mother of two

Welcome to Raising Your Spirited Child. I’m Dr. Mary, your guide, teacher of parents and children, and fellow parent. My son likes to tell me that without him, I never would have had my career working with spirited children and their families. There is an element of truth in that statement. When I first developed the spirited child curriculum for the classes I was teaching in Minnesota’s Early Childhood Family Education program, I did so for selfish reasons. I needed to talk with other parents who understood what it was like to live with the kind of kid who would not take no for an answer and who seemed to know the perfect trigger to push my buttons. The type of kid the existing parenting books either failed to address or did so in terribly negative terms. Terms I was not willing to accept.

To my amazement and delight, my very first class was an immediate success. Meeting together, we shared our feelings, concerns, and challenges. I brought in the latest research studies related to child development, communication, personality, temperament, and neurobiology. We hashed them over, tore them apart, and figured out ways to use them to help get resistant bodies dressed, fed, into bed, or through the grocery store with a little less hassle. By sharing our stories, we allowed each other to peek into our homes, schools, and neighborhoods. We discovered similarities in the things we worried and yelled about. We described the rules that prevailed in our families, the discipline techniques that worked, and strategies that flopped. We learned what each of us was doing to build a healthy relationship with our spirited child. That information and those stories formed the basis for the first edition of Raising Your Spirited Child.

Now in this, the fourth edition of Raising Your Spirited Child, arriving nearly thirty-five years after the first edition was written, it is apparent that the information and strategies in each edition have soundly stood the test of time. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that Raising Your Spirited Child would reach around the world. But that is exactly what has happened. Parents tell me this book has been a friend to tote along or keep beside them on their bedside table, or to download when there is a question to be answered, a strategy to be learned, and an optimistic vision needed.

Over these past thirty-plus years, I have continued to consult with families, teach classes, and offer workshops for both parents and professionals. My work with parents of spirited children truly is a labor of love. I hope you will feel that as you read this book.

In this newest edition, you will find all the foundational concepts that families have found so helpful, along with a new, practical, and easy-to-apply parenting approach you can learn and utilize in any situation. Research-based and parent-tested, the Spirited Child Approach invites you to focus on three simple but vital concepts: Calm, Connect, and Coach. As you learn and begin to practice these foundational steps, you will discover the gifts of your spirited children and the strategies to help them develop the skills to use those gifts well.

This approach also recognizes that, as the parent of a spirited child, you are working harder than your peers with low-key kids. This exhilarating life journey with a spirited child is rigorous and requires more skill and patience. That’s why your needs, along with those of your children, are addressed. You too are nurtured in the Spirited Child Approach.

Sometimes as the parent of a spirited child you may feel like you are the only one with a child who is somehow more. You are not. This book is proof positive. You will find dozens of firsthand questions, worries, favorite techniques, horror stories, successes, and meaningful moments gathered from thousands of parents who have shared them with me. All the anecdotes are true, the ages accurate, but all the names, places, and descriptive details are those of a storyteller. People, I have found, don’t mind us looking in their window as long as we don’t share their address.

With all my years of experience engaging with parents and readers, I am still awed every time I am asked by parents how I could possibly know their children so well when I’ve never met them, or if I have somehow managed to hide a video camera in their home. The reality is that I have simply listened to the stories and recognized the commonalities. It appears that while our cultures and countries are different, our daily challenges are often similar no matter where we live.

Twenty-four hours a day, members of the Raising Your Spirited Child Facebook Group are chatting with one another, asking questions, sharing stories, and offering one another support and helpful suggestions. Parents are visiting my website at ParentChildHelp.com to let me know how grateful they are for the book that delivered the goods. Parents who have learned the term spirited and the realities of raising spirited children are stopping one another in stores, schools, and parks to say, “Hang in there. I’ve been there too and today my kid is amazing.”

Spirited is not merely a term. It is a vision that draws us together to focus on our children’s strengths. It is a process that requires time, patience, and practice, which is why our motto is:

Progress, Not Perfection.

Being a parent and building a healthy relationship with a child is a never-ending process. There are good days and there are lousy days. With progress as our goal, we don’t have to wait for an obscure finale. We can count every second of understanding gleaned, every power struggle fizzled, every hug held tight as a success. We can be kind to ourselves, rejoicing in moments of peace and hours of parenting greatness, even if the entire day is not perfection. We can forgive ourselves the times we huff in frustration or flare in anger, recognizing that although we cannot be abusive, we are human. Progress takes time. Changing attitudes, strengthening existing skills, and learning new ones doesn’t happen quickly. That’s why we need to count each tiny success. Fortunately, those teeny, tiny successes are like wet, sticky snowflakes: They can snowball. Rolled together, they build a happy, healthy relationship with your child today and lay the foundation for the wonderful relationship you’ll continue to have five, ten, and even twenty years from now. I know this is true. I’ve seen it and heard so many testimonies from parents whose spirited children are now amazing adults. I can’t wait for you to find this out too.

So, grab a cup of coffee, tea, or whatever you prefer, and begin to discover the secrets of raising a child with spirit. Take what fits for you. Leave the rest. Only you can truly know what you and your child need. Just remember progress, not perfection, is our goal.

May your love grow,
Dr. Mary